How to have sex

Sex can be a lot of fun and very pleasurable, but it’s also normal to have questions and worries. You might be thinking about having sex for the first time and are not sure where to start. Or maybe you want more information on how to make it pleasurable and safe?

Whatever your situation here are answers to some common questions about vaginal sex.

What is vaginal sex?

During vaginal sex (also known as penetrative vaginal sex, vaginal intercourse, sexual intercourse and just sex) the penis goes into the vagina.

How do you have vaginal sex?

There is no one right way of having vaginal sex, but there are a few things that you should think about before you do it.

It’s important that both people are enthusiastic about having sex and that no one is feeling pressured or forced into doing anything they don’t want to do. Asking your partner and continuing to communicate as you progress is the best way to make sure you have their consent. It should also help make the experience more pleasurable for you both.

Vaginal sex works best when both partners are aroused. This is why foreplay is important.

What is foreplay?

Foreplay (sometimes called heavy petting) is about getting both people sexually aroused (or turned on) and ready for penetrative sex, through kissing, stroking, caressing, rubbing and touching. Sometimes people also have oral sex as part of foreplay. The more aroused you both are, the better sex is likely to feel.

You’ll often know you’re getting aroused from certain physical signs:

• for women, the vagina begins to moisten
• men get an erection, which means their penis will get bigger and harden.

Foreplay should be enjoyable for both partners and you may choose to not go any further than this stage. Many couples enjoy having foreplay for a long time before they move on to having vaginal sex.

If you are both ready to have vaginal sex, the arousal created through foreplay will help the penis enter the vagina more easily.

We spent ages on foreplay, kissing, fingering and lots of oral as it was both of our first times. When we did decide to have sex, we used a condom and lots of lube and he was very gentle, kept asking me if he was hurting me and how I felt. It did hurt a bit, but not as much as I was expecting.

- May

When should I put on a condom?

Once you are both aroused and ready to have sex you can put on a male condom. This can be done by you or your partner. You can only put a condom on an erect penis and you should do this before the penis touches or enters the vagina.

If you are using a female condom it can be put in up to eight hours before sex.

How do you get the penis into the vagina?

When you are ready, it helps if one of you uses your hand to gently guide the penis into the vagina. Take your time, and don’t worry if it takes a few goes to guide it in properly – this is very normal, especially when you are both getting used to each other’s bodies.

Once the penis is inside, you can move your bodies so that the penis pushes into the vagina and then pulls partly out again. Do what comes naturally and feels good - being slow and gentle is a good idea to start with so you can make sure you are both comfortable.

He was very slow and rather than just pushing into me hard and fast, he took his time making sure I got used to his penis being inside me. He repeatedly asked me if I was ok or wanted him to stop. I told him no and I only felt slightly uncomfortable at first but then when he had fully entered me it felt amazing. He was slow and sensual.

- Ash

Remember that you can pause or stop at any point you want, the same is true for your partner. Just because you have started something doesn’t mean you need to continue – stopping is actually very normal. If you are not feeling comfortable with what you are doing you have the right to stop! If your partner wants to stop respect their wishes.

Will it hurt - and will the woman bleed?

It can take a bit of time to get used to the sensation of sex, and some women can find it a little uncomfortable or painful at first. However, the pain should not be intense and if at any time the pain is too strong then you should stop. Taking things slowly, making sure the woman is fully aroused and using a good water-based lubrication (oil-based lubricants like massage oils or Vaseline can cause a condom to break) can help penetration feel more comfortable.

If it's a woman’s first time having sex she may bleed a little. This is generally nothing to worry about. Though it’s perfectly normal to bleed the first time you have sex, it’s also perfectly normal not to bleed.

If you continue to bleed every time you have sex then it’s a good idea to speak to a healthcare professional to check it’s nothing to worry about.

What is the best position for vaginal sex?

There is no one best position and different people will enjoy different things. One common position involves the woman lying down, with the man lying or sitting on top (also called the ‘missionary position’).

However there are many different possible positions, the woman can be on top, - or you can both lie on your sides. You don’t have to be facing each other – some people like having vaginal sex from behind – meaning the woman’s back is turned towards the man.

It is easiest to choose a position you both feel comfortable with and one that you can get into easily if you are having sex for the first time. As you get to know each other’s bodies better, you can experiment with different positions and work out what you both like.

After a while you might find certain movements, positions and ways of touching that lead to one or both of you having an orgasm (also called ‘coming’ or ‘climaxing’). Don’t be too concerned if this doesn’t happen straight away or even at all. It takes time to get to know what works for you sexually – and for your partner – and sex can be enjoyable whether you climax or not.

You may want to experiment with sex toys, or having anal sex and oral sex as well as vaginal sex. Remember that if you do move from anal sex to vaginal sex you should put on a new condom to make sure you do not infect the vagina with bacteria.

What are the risks of pregnancy, STIs and HIV from vaginal sex?

Having vaginal sex without using a condom, even if it’s your first time, means you run the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, and puts you and your partner at risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) including HIV.

If you’ve had unprotected sex make sure you seek healthcare advice as soon as possible. You’ll be able to access emergency contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and if you are worried that you have been exposed to HIV, you can take post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) to prevent HIV infection.

While there are many different options for contraception, only condoms will protect you and your partner from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV. Talking to your partner about protection before you start having sex will help things go more smoothly. Being safe will help you both feel more relaxed and make sex more enjoyable.

Though you might find bringing up the subject of safer sex embarrassing, it’s an important part of having sex. If you find it too difficult to discuss using protection then it could be a sign that you aren’t ready to start having sex just yet. That’s fine – remember that there are lots of ways to enjoy being together and to explore your sexual feelings until the time is right.

Deciding whether to have sex is a very personal thing. The main things to consider are whether it feels right, and whether you and your partner are both sure. Our article ‘Am I ready for sex?’ will help you think about this.

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Anal sex is any type of sexual activity that involves the anal area and many people, whether they are heterosexual, gay or bisexual, enjoy it. Whether you are thinking of having anal sex for the first time, or you just want more information on how to stay safe and enjoy it, this page will help answer your questions.

What is anal sex?

Most commonly, people think of anal sex as when a man’s penis enters the anus. However, it might also mean using fingers or sex toys to penetrate the anus, or using the tongue to stimulate the anus (called ‘rimming’). You can read more about oral-anal sex on our ‘How to have oral sex’ page.

Anyone can enjoy anal sex, whether they are a man, woman, gay, bisexual or straight, and whether they are giving or receiving it. Many gay men enjoy penetrative anal sex. But being gay doesn’t mean you have to have anal sex – you decide what you enjoy!

How do you have anal sex?

It can feel strange when you start exploring the anal area during sex, so start slowly with touching and caressing to get used to the idea. If you don’t like it, it’s a good idea to talk to your partner and explain that anal sex isn’t for you. While lots of people enjoy it, many others would prefer to leave it out of their sexual activities.

If you decide to have penetrative anal sex, take things slowly and communicate with your partner. If you are giving anal sex, use plenty of lubricant and then start by penetrating just a little and then pulling out completely. When your partner is ready, penetrate a bit further and then pull out again. Continue with this until you are fully in – but be prepared to stop at any time if the other person is uncomfortable or in pain.

Anal sex can feel stimulating and pleasurable for both the person giving and receiving - but it can also take a while to get used to the sensation of it. If it doesn’t go perfectly the first time you can always try again when you’re both in the mood. Remember that you can pause or stop at any point you want. Just because you have started something doesn’t mean you need to continue – stopping is actually very normal.

Anal sex, HIV and STI safety

Whether you’re a man or a woman, straight or gay, it’s important to protect yourself against the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV, when having anal sex.

The lining of the anus is thin and can easily be damaged, which makes it more vulnerable to infection. This means that if you are the receptive partner (often called the 'bottom') you have a higher risk of STIs and HIV from unprotected anal sex than many other types of sexual activity.

While the risk is less for the 'top' (or insertive partner), HIV can still enter through the opening at the top of the penis (urethra), or through cuts, scratches and sores on the penis.

STIs that can be passed on during anal sex include:

• HIV
• Chlamydia
• Genital herpes
• Genital warts
• Gonorrhoea
• Syphilis.

Using protection during anal sex is important to reduce your risk of catching an STI. For penetrative sex, make sure you use a condom and lots of lube – some people feel safer using extra-thick condoms for anal sex. Dental dams also offer good protection for rimming. Taking pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) is another way to prevent HIV infection, but it may not be available everywhere.

You can use either a external condom (which goes on penises or sex toys) or an internal condom (which goes in vaginas or anuses, also called a female condom) for anal sex, depending on your preference. The female condom is inserted into the anus before sex, just as it would be used in the vagina.

It’s a good idea to put condoms on any sex toys you are using for anal sex too, making sure you change them between partners. Also use a fresh one if you are swapping between anal and vaginal stimulation. This is because the material of some sex toys may harbour bacteria and infections even after cleaning (though not HIV).

If you’ve had unprotected anal sex and are worried about possible HIV infection, go and see your healthcare professional straight away. You may be able to take post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) to prevent HIV infection, but it has to be taken within 72 hours to be effective. However, PEP is not a replacement for condoms and isn’t available everywhere.  

Love your lubrication

Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t produce its own lubrication (or ‘lube’), so it’s important to use a good product to help the penis or sex toy move freely and prevent damage to the inside of the anus.

Don't use your partner's semen (also known as cum) as a lubricant. It’s best to use a water-based lubricant which has been specially designed for sexual intercourse. Oil-based lubricants (such as lotion and moisturiser) can weaken condoms and make them more likely to break.

How do I stimulate a man's prostate gland?

Many men also like having their prostate stimulated. The prostate is a walnut-sized gland located just below the bladder and is highly sensitive to stimulation (usually gentle finger stimulation through the anus). However, there are many blood vessels in and around the prostate and it can get bruised if handled roughly, so always treat it gently and use lots of lube.

Is anal sex painful?

For lots of people anal sex is a pleasurable part of their sex life. However, whether you are a man or a woman, penetrative anal sex can be uncomfortable or even painful if rushed, especially if it’s your first time.

Luckily, there are things you can do to lessen any pain. These include going slowly, working your way up to penetration with the penis with smaller objects such as fingers or sex toys, and using a lot of water-based lubrication.

Continual communication as you progress is the best way to make sure you both enjoy anal sex. If at any time you are feeling strong pain then you should stop immediately.

Safety for women having anal sex

Be careful not to use the same finger to stimulate a woman’s anus as you use to touch her vagina. This is because you could transfer small amounts of faeces to the vagina which can cause urinary tract infections such as cystitis.

The same goes for using a finger to stimulate the anus and then putting it in the mouth, as this can pass on STIs such as hepatitis and shigella.

If you have anal sex and then move onto vaginal sex or oral sex you should use a fresh condom to prevent these infections. The same applies if you are using sex toys.

Technically, it’s not possible to get pregnant from anal sex as there’s no way for semen to get from the rectum into the vagina. Be aware that there is a small chance of semen leaking out and dripping into the vagina after anal sex. Using condoms is the best way to make sure you are always protected properly against STIs and pregnancy.

Should I have anal sex?

As with any type of sex, it’s important that both people are enthusiastic about having anal sex and that no one is feeling pressured or forced into doing anything they don’t want to do.

Talk to your partner about protection before you start having anal sex to help things go more smoothly. Remember that having unprotected anal sex puts you and your partner at higher risk of HIV and other STIs such as hepatitis A and shigella than other sexual activities. Being safe will help you both feel more relaxed and make sex more enjoyable.

Deciding whether to have anal sex is a very personal thing. The main things to consider are whether it feels right, and whether you and your partner are both sure. Our article ‘Am I ready for sex?’ will help you think about this.

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'Going down', 'giving head', 'blow jobs' … there are many different names for oral sex. But what is oral sex? And does it come with any risks?

Whether you are thinking about having oral sex for the first time or just want some more information – read on for tips on how to have oral sex safely and pleasurably, and answers to some of the most common questions.

What is oral sex?

Oral sex means using your mouth and tongue to stimulate your partners’ genital or anal area.   

Oral sex can be a good way to discover new pleasures with your partner, but deciding whether you want to do it is a very personal choice – not everyone likes it and not everyone tries it!

As with any type of sex, it’s important that both people are enthusiastic about doing it.

Top tips for oral sex

A lot has been written about how to give the best oral sex. But the truth is that different things work for different people.

There’s a whole variety of ways to lick, suck and stimulate - different people may like to give and receive oral sex in different ways. Remember that it can take a while to work out what makes someone feel good.

You may feel nervous before having oral sex – whether you’re giving it or receiving it. The best thing to do is to carry on communicating with your partner. Ask them to tell you what feels nice and let them know when you are enjoying something.

If you’re happy and comfortable with the person you’re with then oral sex can be a great way to get physically closer and learn what turns each other on. But remember that you can pause or stop at any point you want, and the same is true for your partner. Just because you have started something doesn’t mean you need to continue – stopping is actually very normal.

How do you give a man oral sex?

You can start oral sex on a man whether his penis is erect or not. It’s a good idea to use your hand to touch him before you start to help work up to the sensation of oral sex.

If you’re unsure how far you want him to penetrate your mouth, use your thumb and forefinger to make a ring around his penis, stopping it as far as you want to go. You can keep moving your fingers down slowly until you reach the point where it feels deep enough inside your mouth.

Many men find oral sex (also known as ‘blow jobs’) highly sensitive, so start gently and slowly and work up to a faster pace. You can experiment with different tongue, mouth and head movements to see what works best (but never use your teeth unless asked!).

Even if you decide to give a man oral sex, it doesn’t mean that you have to let him ejaculate (or cum) in your mouth – the choice is yours. Of course, if he’s wearing a condom this won’t be such an issue, and it means you will both be protected against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It’s also entirely up to you how long you continue for.

How do you give a woman oral sex?

It’s usually a good idea to spend some time kissing and touching before giving a woman oral sex. Take your time to explore her upper thighs and the area around her vagina first, to help her get aroused.

The most sensitive part of the vagina for a woman is the clitoris, which has more than 8,000 nerve endings. But the whole pelvic area is very sensitive. Gently part the outer lips of the vagina and look for the vaginal opening, and the hooded clitoris just above it.

Start off softly, using a relaxed tongue to make slow movements and work up to faster movements with a firmer, pointed tongue. You can experiment with making different patterns with your tongue and try different rhythms – taking cues from your partner as to what she enjoys most.

How do you give oral-anal sex (rimming)?

Performing oral sex on your partner’s anus (also known as analingus or rimming) can be part of any sexual relationship, whether gay, bisexual or straight.

If you are concerned about hygiene, ask your partner to wash first - water and a gentle washcloth should do the trick. You could also bathe together as part of foreplay.

You can begin by gently kissing and fondling the area around the anus including the perineum (the area of skin between the genitals and the anus). You can then work your way in to the anus by circling your tongue around the outer area and finally inserting your tongue.

You can try licking, sucking, probing and nibbling gently – taking cues from your partner about what feels good to them.

If you are performing it on a woman, don’t go from the anus to the vagina as this may transfer bacteria and cause infection.

Can I get HIV and STIs from oral sex?

The risk of HIV transmission from oral sex is very low. The main risks arise if the person receiving oral sex has an STI or sores on their genital area, or if the person giving oral sex has sores in their mouth or bleeding gums.

However other STIs such as herpes, gonorrhoea and syphilis can still be passed on through oral sex. And some infections caused by bacteria or viruses can be passed on through oral–anal sex, such as hepatitis A or E.coli.

Infections can be passed on through oral sex even if there are no obvious signs or symptoms of the infection (such as sores). You should definitely avoid having oral sex if either of you has sores around your mouth, vagina, penis or anus. These could be a sign of an infection, so get them checked out by a healthcare professional.

Using a condom or dental dam (a thin, soft plastic that covers the vagina or anus) will protect you from most sexually transmitted infections. If you don’t have a dental dam you can also make an effective barrier by cutting a condom lengthways from bottom to top forming one piece of material that can be used like a dental dam.

Knowing you have the extra protection a condom provides can help make you feel more liberated and less inhibited during oral sex.

Talking to your partner about protection before you start having oral sex will help things go more smoothly. This can be embarrassing, but it’s an important part of having sex – and if you find it too difficult to discuss then it could be a sign that you aren’t ready to start having oral sex just yet.

Should I have oral sex?

It’s a big decision to start having oral sex, and it’s important that you and your partner are ready to start exploring in this way.

Whether it’s giving or receiving oral sex, no one should do it because they feel forced to.

Lines like “it doesn’t mean we’ve had real sex – you’ll still be a virgin”, or “if you don’t want sex then you should at least go down on me”, or “it’s not as risky as having intercourse”, all suggest pressure and coercion. Remember that oral sex should be fun for both of you. If one person is doing it because they feel pressured, it can sour the whole experience.

Deciding whether to have oral sex is a very personal thing. The main things to consider are whether it feels right, and whether you and your partner are both sure. Our article ‘Am I ready for sex?’ will help you think about this.

Read more